On Tuesday, I unburdened myself to you, lamenting over my withdrawal from the BP. This morning when skimming my teen journals for a good Friday Angst, I came across the following entry in which my 15-year-old self describes the misery of withdrawal in far more eloquant (sic) prose:
April 1, 1997 Tuesday, 9:20pm
In his book Zen in the Art of Writing, Ray Bradbury wrote:
“For writing allows just the proper recipes of truth, life, and reality as you are able to eat, drink, and digest without hyperventilating and flopping like a dead fish in your bed. I have learned, on my journeys, that if I let a day go by without writing, I grow uneasy. Two days and I am in tremor. Three and I suspect lunacy. Four and I might as well be a hog, suffering the flux in a wallow.”
I suppose I have been a hog for the past few months. I was short and white with grayish-pinkish splotches and I fed on the slop of my own misery. What an eloquant phrase (and bad spelling!).
It’s already 9:25 and I wanted to go to sleep early. I also want to read–and that urge overpowers sleep until the print blurs on the page. Then I’ll shove Interview with the Vampire under my pillow and dream of sucking blood.
I wonder whose blood I would suck. I don’t think I could do it. I would rather die than kill someone for food.
But if I had to… Maybe I would kill murderers and criminals and suicide bombers. That way I would rid the world of bad mortals while keeping myself alive. Though I don’t know what there would be to live for. Then again, why am I alive right now?
I wonder what the point of living is. That is a question that has been bothering me quite a bit lately. I wonder what the point of writing is, if someday the earth will go up in flames– books along with it. What’s the point of training in karate or ski jumping or keeping myself thin or being nice to people or doing the right thing or sending holiday cards?
Nothing matters, so I suppose that the point is to gather as much goodness into your life as possible. Cram every moment with happiness and be kind to others any way you can.
Now that I’ve realized this, maybe I should attempt to follow my own advice. I will try very hard. But right now, I have a date with a vampire.